When Realisation Hits
by The-Madness-Linked-With-A-Hat
Summary: The Normandy had taken a hit and the crew are made to evacuate though not everything goes according to plan.
1. Chapter 1

The shuttles were released in unison, each one following the route of the one before it. Kaidan Alenko finally removed his helmet dropping it down between his feet. It made some of the crew member's jump, at hearing an unexpected noise filling the small compact space. His hands quickly covered his face removing the tears that were now suddenly streaming down his reddening cheeks. His heart was still racing with adrenaline pumping thickly through his veins.

Resting his head back, and closing his eyes, he focused on his breathing slowly breathing in and out on the count of five. It was hard for him to stop him mind from wandering. Continuously leading him back; to his last moment with Shepard. What could he have said differently? Could he have taken her by the arm and dragged her to the shuttles with him? What if he chose to disobey the order? His ideas were insane. He knew deep down that she would have resented him or even got the two of them killed, it had to be done her way.

He was terrified he was going to lose her. The feeling of unease washed over him. Now, here he was, alone and uncertain of what the future held. He only hoped she would be there to guide him through the upcoming challenges. She was his life; she had opened his eyes to so much; He trusted Shepard, depended on her. He couldn't deny she was taking an incredible risk, risking her life to help those around her. It was her job, the reason she rose through the ranks to become there commanding officer. He wanted to believe, they would both walk away from this together.

Minutes passed like hours, though they had only been in the shuttle for around 25 minutes. The time travelling was painful, different scenarios passed through his head about what would greet him once those doors opened.

Emma Shepard standing there waiting with open arms with a smile stretching from cheek to cheek her hazel eyes so full of love. He thought about scooping her up in his strong arms and breathing in her delicious scent, holding her close and vowing never to let her go. It was then he realised he never told her exactly how he felt; he never told her he loved her. Another tear escaped trailing down his cheek, he allowed it to fall as a reminder he was human.

Kaidan...Kaidan...

Hearing a faint call of his name, Kaidan slowly opened his eyes; He allowed them time to adjust to the dim light within the shuttle before looking around. It was Dr Chakwas with a somewhat questionable expression covering her face. She looked around to ensure she hadn't caught to attention of the other crew members who were either sleeping or engrossed in their own minds to care about their surroundings.

"I'm sorry... I'm not even sure if this is a suitable time to ask..."

Kaidan responded with an encouraging look. Dr Chakwas took a deep breath before continuing...

"I...I wanted to ask you if the Commander had told you anything about the examination I gave her earlier in the week? You looked just as concerned as she did when you brought her in"

"You mean dragged in!" Kaidan allowed a slight chuckle to pass through his lips as he relived the memory.

He was suddenly mirroring the expression the Dr had previously worn. "Nothing different to what we already talked about. Her feeling more run down, toying with the idea she may have caught a bug due to slight vomiting and feeling's of nausea."

"I ran a few tests but I never got chance to tell her the results..."

The shuttle jolted followed by an announcement from the Admiral Hackett.

"Glad to see you safe crew of the Normandy your distress beacon was received. You'll be reaching the ward arms of the Citadel within the next few minutes. We can then discuss with your Commanding officer what happened in regards to the incident... standing by..."  
The crew members flashed a look of uncertainty towards each over holding tightly to the harness restraints; they prepared themselves for a bumpy ride. Forgetting momentarily his discussion with Dr Chakwas; Kaidan closed his eyes and revisited his memory of Emma waiting for him.

The shuttle came to an abrupt stop, only moments from hearing the announcement from Admiral Hackett. Kaidan was sure Hackett, Anderson, Udina would be there waiting for them to retell their stories. He wondered briefly if that would be the case... would they actually want to speak with the crew of just Shepard. His father had always told him there were always more sides to a story.

The doors began opening. The bright lights caught everyone unawares, shielding their eyes with their arms the crew slowly made their way onto the Docking bay. It was a somewhat welcoming. Site medics were on hand to any who needed it. Crew members began embracing each other. Tell tale signs of tears marked the faces of everyone that came into view with more rolling down their cheeks. The experience had been traumatising to them all, but standing together they had made it through.

The last of the shuttles drew in. Kaidan knew it was now just a matter of time before her shuttle docked, and finally he could allow himself to relax. Checking over the crew, he couldn't help, but notice that the size of the crew was almost halved to what had started out. Fighting back his emotions; he knew that he had to keep a brave face until their Commanding Officer appeared.

Catching a glimpse of the silvering hair of Dr Chakwas, Kaidan approached her tapping her gently on the shoulder and indicating to speak with her privately. Giving his apologies he took her gently by the elbow to a quieter spot.

"I was hoping we could finish our earlier conversation Dr you were telling me something regarding Shepard's test results..."

"Oh yes... I'm sorry Kaidan the shuttle really wasn't the best place to tell you... that's why I'm glad you caught me."  
Kaidan felt his face unwillingly drop, as if to expect some unpleasant news.

"Well like I said I never got chance to tell her, her results;" looking into his eyes she found it hard to continue. Clearing her throat the Dr realised she was becoming slightly choked up.

"She's fine Kaidan...but her symptoms are not due to some bug she has picked up." Taking a deep breath she continued "She's pregnant! Four weeks to be exact."

Kaidan's face lit up. He felt as though he could break into song; he was going to be a father! A warm feeling over took his body as the news started sinking in. Restraining himself from hugging the Dr and looking a fool he causally shook her hand, and thanked her for the life changing news. Kaidan was beaming he could hardly wait for Shepard's shuttle to dock.

It wasn't long before Kaidan was pacing impatiently up and down the docking bay, what was keeping them so long. He was becoming angrier at Joker for not getting his arse into gear and abandoning ship with the rest of them. A sudden glint of light near the ward arms opening caught his eye and that of the crew.

Soon everyone was holding their breath as the final shuttle pulled into dock. Captain Anderson made his way to the side of Kaidan. The Atmosphere was thick; no-one dared mutter a word.

The doors of the shuttle opened, it momentarily appeared empty until a hunched shadow stood at the opening. It was Joker. His every foot step could be heard as he climbed out of the shuttle and slowly made his way across the docking bay. Medics and Dr Chakwas rushed to his aid, placing a warm blanket around his shoulders and sat him on the ground to examine him.

Emotion over took Kaidan as he marched himself to shuttle Garras, Wrex watched before quickly rushing to his side, ready to restrain him if needed.  
Liara urged him to see reason and calm down. Blue flecks escaped his skin like a fire avoiding the candle wick, his breathing became hard and fast. Tears freely streaming down his face, Kaidan no longer cared who took notice. His hands turned to tight fists as he approached Jokers position.  
And like that it was over.

Joker saw the fury in Kaidan's eyes. He never felt the blow or heard the scream. As Kaidan took a swing and punched Joker fully on the side of his face. Falling to his knees, both hands covering his face, Kaidan breathed heavily.

"How could you? You son of a bitch! She was worth more ... more than any of you worthless bags of shit! And now ... now she's gone and it's all your fault!  
Garras and Wrex helped Kaidan back to his feet, shrugging them off Kaidan looked once again at Joker.

"I don't know why she bothered saving your sorry arse cause I'd of let you go down with the ship!"

Kaidan was again pulled away he walked willingly; refusing to look back he had seen enough.


	2. Chapter 2

_Yet another day had passed. His life, he felt, was becoming a constant onward struggle; each new day was becoming more treacherous. As each hour passed, more slowly than the last, he felt even more alone and isolated. Taking a look around, he watched, as people continued with their day to day lives; everyone too busy worrying about their 9-5 jobs, then returning home thankful another day was over and dreading the next. The only reward being the weekend, spending it with family and friends._

Kaidan felt he could scream and no one would even turn to notice. The crew had been given time off the grieve those who had fallen; when the Normandy was taken down by a surprise attack from an unidentified ship. Kaidan felt himself go numb reliving those memories. It had been just over two months since the incident. His dreams and future happiness were crushed. Losing the woman he loved, and their unborn child had left him but a shell of his, former self.

He wondered from time to time, when he was alone, if she known what fate awaited her, would she have left with him or allowed him to stay and help, as certain death faced them head on... but instead like an idiot he followed orders.

Fighting back the tears, Kaidan searched his pockets for his keys. He's apartment was a small one bedroom, in a quiet district on the Citadel ward arm. He had fallen in love with the scenery, and the quiet. Inside was dark but the warmth of the place made it more welcoming. Hot air fought with the cold as he quickly closed the door behind himself. He let out a long sigh before locking up.

He had been waiting for the right moment to ask Emma if she'd move in with him, their relationship was new but he was sure it could stand anything that was thrown their way. They had already gone through more than the average couple ever would but... they were far from average.

Walking further into the dark apartment; Kaidan placed his gun down on a nearby unit, housing a lamp and beside it a picture. The picture was of the crew after the news of Eden Prime, once, Emma had been made a Spectre. From left to right it included 'Tali, Wrex, Ashley, Anderson, Shepard, himself and Garrus' not the most photogenic bunch, regardless to their attempts, it was obvious it there were forced smiles stretched across their faces. Kaidan remembered his heart thumping through his chest.

Brushing his fingers gently over her image, Kaidan allowed himself some time to remember what he loved about her. Her scent, her gentle personality, how she would always find time to come and speak to, not only him, but all the entire crew. Making sure they were coping okay and allowing them to air their views. He remembered the want, the need to be near her, the butterflies invading his insides each time she spoke to him. Kaidan wrapped his arms tightly around himself. He knew he would suffer but the memories of her were more than worth it.

_

Looking through the notes on his latest assignment, Kaidan found it hard to concentrate. The pain was beginning to kick in, just as he knew it would. His whole body ached. His heart, feeling uncomfortably heavy; Kaidan found it hard to breathe, his chest feeling as though it was closing in on itself. Wrapping his arms once again around himself he tried taking slow and steady breaths.

Throwing his work to one side, Kaidan headed to the bathroom and began running the bath. He still ached but the steam filling the room helped him in breathing more comfortably. Staring into the mirror as it slowly clouded over, Kaidan noticed the dark bags forming under his eyes, his facial hair passing the stage of designer stubble. Seeing his reflection came to a shock.

After testing the water, Kaidan quickly undressed throwing his clothes into the corner of the room. Climbing into the warm bath Kaidan allowed himself the pleasure of the heated water engulfing his weary body. He knew only too well that the pain would return if he allowed his mind to wonder. He knew it wouldn't be long till she returned to his thoughts. He reached over for his razor, he knew Shepard wouldn't have wanted him drifting into the stage, that she would have wanted him to continue living and making a change.


End file.
